


Just Keep Going

by notnowcommander



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 16:39:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4486926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notnowcommander/pseuds/notnowcommander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard doesn't know where the Conduit is going to bring her, or what she'll find on the other side. But if it means stopping the Reapers once and for all, she's willing to give it everything. AU where Kaidan takes Anderson's place at the end of ME3 in the final confrontation with the Illusive Man.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Keep Going

Shepard’s entire body froze in pain. She’d been thrown - well, she didn’t know - she had no idea where she was. It was a dark hallway, littered with dead bodies, of all species, rotting. The Keepers picked through the piles of bodies, examining items found on them. The smell was unlike anything she’d ever experienced. She swallowed, and looked down at her body, broken and beaten from the run to the beam, knowing that she didn’t have long at all to fire the Crucible.

She just hoped to whatever was out there or up above that this was the Citadel.

“Shepard?” Kaidan’s voice crackled over the comms.

She sat up, holding a hand to the bullet wound in her side. A single god-damn marauder might have been what took her down, which just seemed cruel considering how many times she’d stared down actual Reapers. She choked on the blood coming up her throat and spat it onto the floor below her.

Crawling to her knees, she pressed a hand to her comm link.

“Kaidan?”

“It’s good to hear your voice. Where are you?”

“I… I made it up here,” she struggled out.

What she heard next was even more unexpected.

“Me too.”

“What?”

What she remembered was her and Kaidan both running for the beam, telling Garrus to signal the retreat to get the Normandy the hell out of there. Kaidan refused to go with him. And they ran, with everything in them, with everything that they had left. Then, there was a glow of red, and then white, and then silence. Moments later, she’d heard Major Coats over the comms telling them that the entire force had been decimated, and to retreat. And in her heart, she knew Kaidan hadn’t made it.

“I’m… on the Citadel - ah,” he gasped, clearly wounded as well. “But I don’t see you. I don’t know where you are.”

Shepard got to her knees. She needed to get to him. She needed to find wherever he was.

“Okay. Where are you? I’ll get there. I’m in some hall… there’s… just all these dead bodies. I don’t understand.”

“I think I was there. I’m in a dark hallway. It… it feels like how you described the Collector Base, Shepard,” he said, pain evident in his voice.

Shepard reached down, grabbing the pistol that had been resting next to her body. As she bent over, a wave of pain took her down with a dramatic cry. She knew that if she was connected to Kaidan, he heard that. He knew she was wounded, and that it wasn’t looking good for either of them. But she’d be damned if she came all this way for him to die on her.

“Shepard,” he whispered. “Are you okay?”

She felt her eyes water, and bit down on her lip. Crying would make it hurt worse, and she couldn’t afford that. She needed to keep going. No matter how badly the bullet digging into her gut felt, or how charred her armor was to her skin. She could hardly look down at her left arm, where the armor had been all but blown off, boiling the skin underneath. The air stung at her raw, exposed skin, and blood dripped down her fingers onto the floor. If she’d come this far, there was no turning back.

“I’m coming to find you,” she replied.

Shepard pushed forward, ignoring the smell, ignoring her own wounds, ignoring the god damn Keepers rummaging through the dead humans. She was beginning to wonder if they’d been building a Reaper inside… wherever she was. But what mattered most was getting to Kaidan, firing the Crucible and blowing the Reapers straight to hell. There would be no Reaper to even think about building once she was done.

“Shit,” Kaidan muttered.

“What’s going on?”

“A wall just… shifted. Now there’s a chasm. I’m moving forward.”

Shepard reached a door, which opened upon her movement. She looked down, where a long catwalk extended over a wide open part of the structure. It was on a slant, and would require walking down, and then up.

She sucked in a deep breath and went forward. “I think I found the chasm you were talking about, Kaidan.”

“I see something. A console.”

“What?”

Kaidan didn’t respond. However, she heard shaking, and shooting from the battle outside, and knew she had to continue.

“Kaidan? Dammit!”

She breathed in again, even though the pain destroyed her body and she could hardly move. She needed to go up. Her legs could hardly carry her along a flat surface, but this was the only way. The only way she could end this and reach Kaidan.

The top of the chasm revealed a large, circular platform. It was the only way she knew she was on the Citadel. The arms of the station remained closed, and she knew she needed them open. But it was just like when Sovereign had attacked, and she had to move along the wards to get in. The feeling was eerily familiar, but she wished to god that she was fighting just a single Reaper instead of the entire fleet.

But sure enough, Kaidan stood there, leaning heavily against the console. She saw blood dripping from his hands as well, his armor blown to bits. The gorgeous blue armor that she’d taken into battle with her was nothing but charred bits of metal, fused to his skin, and the hardly protective undersuit he always wore below.

“Kaidan,” she forced out.

He turned around, slowly, one arm still helping him balance on the console. His hair was out of order - for once - and there were many scratches and gashes along his face, the most notable a bleeding wound at the side of his head, which dripped down the side of his face.

“I underestimated you, Shepard,” a familiar, and very unwanted voice said from behind her.

The voice made Kaidan pick up his speed and move toward her, but something held him back. Some lingering power that kept him from getting to her. He bent over his knees and held himself up, a hand spanning across his side to console his injuries.

“Shepard,” he whispered.

The Illusive Man passed her, but he was hardly the same handsome man who had used his charm and power to use her as a tool. His skin was a metallic black, in strands, and his eyes glowed a new shade of unfamiliar blue. Like… like a husk. It occurred to her then that she had never seen him in person before. Everything was through hologram or through the comm room on the Normandy. But this, it made it easier to see what a monster he really had become.

“I warned you. Control is the means to survival. Control of the Reapers, and of you… if necessary.”

“They’re controlling you,” Kaidan said, turning his head to the Illusive Man.

“You’re mistaken, Major,” he said. “Wouldn’t it have been easier if we’d just taken care of you on Mars?”

Anger boiled in Shepard’s chest, and she knew she could never hold back. “Why waste your time with us, if you could control the Reapers?”

“Because,” he said, “I need you to believe. When humanity discovered the mass relays, when we learned there was more to the galaxy than we imagined, there were some who thought the relays should be destroyed. They were scared of what we’d find. Terrified of what we’d let in. But look at what humanity has achieved! Since that discovery, we’ve advanced more than the past ten-thousand years combined. And the Reapers will do the same for us again. A thousand fold, but…”

A wave of something - something Shepard had never felt before - buzzed through the air and sent a shrill pain through her head. She bent over her knees, consoling her head. She looked up ever so slightly to see Kaidan watching her, ready to run to her if the time called for it. He’d straightened himself up, but stood ready to fight back against their enemy at a moment’s notice.

“God,” she muttered.

She fought to keep her armed hand down, but the voices, the whispers, they raised her gun, aiming directly at Kaidan. She was screaming on the inside, begging to be set free. But there were some things even the great Commander Shepard couldn’t fight.

“Shepard,” Kaidan pleaded. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I know you can fight this.”

His sad, amber eyes begged her to return to herself. And she knew on the inside, so far deep on the inside, that he wasn’t scared of her hurting him. He was scared of losing her again, to Cerberus, or even worse, to the Reapers.

“Only if we can harness their ability to control,” The Illusive Man continued.

“Bullshit,” Kaidan spat out, “we destroy them, or they destroy us. This doesn’t end any other way.”

“And waste this opportunity? Never.”

“Maybe you’re just so hungry for power that it’s clouded your vision,” Shepard struggled out. The waves and whispers grew stronger, but in the ebbs and flows, she could feel herself again. But she just worried it wouldn’t be enough to save them.

“No… no, it’s not that simple.”

“Isn’t it? You’re willing to give up anything for control.”

“Yes, if not me, then who? Are you going to control the Reapers? I’ve dedicated my life to understanding the Reapers. And I know with certainty: the Crucible will allow me to control them.”

Shepard fought to lower her hand, to aim the gun away from Kaidan, anyone but him. But another wave rattled through the air, and kept her in position.

“And then what?”

“Look at the power they wield! Look at what they can do!” he said, with a maniacal zeal so ridiculous that he legitimately believed in his cause. He leaned forward, clenching a fist.

The waves came in a single intense burst, so intense that Shepard’s entire body felt light, and out of control. She felt like a puppet, and nothing less, her body and fingers doing exactly as the whispers demanded. And it wasn’t until the shockwaves went away that she realized she’d pulled the trigger. She saw Kaidan’s body jerk forward, and he fell to his knees, clutching a fresh wound in the center of his body.

This wasn’t happening. Shepard couldn’t determine what was real, and what was some sick hallucination or dream. She still didn’t really believe Kaidan could be here, with her. And she really didn’t believe that he could have been hurt, and by her hand nonetheless. He stayed on the ground, trying to hold himself up. All she could hear now was a soft whimper of pain he tried to choke back. Droplets of blood dripped onto the floor from between his fingers, and his arms wavered to keep him from collapsing.

“I see what they did to you,” Shepard said, swallowing her own tears. She’d go to Kaidan once this was over. Once she put a god damn bullet in the Illusive Man’s head and shut him up for good. She knew that somehow, there’d be medigel, and she could save him. They’d walk out of this together.

“I took what I wanted from them! Made it my own! This isn’t about me or you. This is about things so much bigger than all of us.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Kaidan begged, spitting blood onto the ground.

“And who will you listen to, Shepard? An old soldier with a defective piece of metal seared into the back of his head, someone weak enough for you to love? What if you’re both wrong? What if controlling the Reapers is the answer?”

“Then open the arms, let the crucible dock, and use it to end this!” she shouted, the tears threatening to overflow down her cheeks.

“I… I will,” he said, stepping forward.

“Do it!”

“I know it will work,” he groaned, collapsing his head into his hands.

“You can’t, can you? They won’t let you do it.”

“No!” he shouted. “I’m in control. No one is telling me what to do.”

“You’re indoctrinated,” Kaidan moaned.

“No. No! The two of you, so self-righteous. Do you think power like this comes easy? There are sacrifices…”

“You sacrificed too much,” Shepard asserted, straightening up as much as she could.

“Shepard, I… I only wanted to protect humanity. The Crucible can control them. I know it can. I just…”

“It’s not too late. Let us go. We’ll do the rest,” she said, her eyes diverting down to Kaidan. He looked up at her, weak and beaten. He looked nothing like the man she loved and held every night. He was dying, and she could tell by just a split second look at him. Bleeding all over himself, skin running all too pale. He wasn’t going to make it much longer.

“I… I can’t do that, Commander,” The Illusive Man said, strolling behind Kaidan and removing the Predator from his side. Shepard heard the pistol charge up and saw the Illusive Man hold it to the back of Kaidan’s head. If there was ever a time for the indoctrination to break, it was now.

_Curled up in bed, back on the Normandy, Shepard couldn’t take her eyes off of him. She couldn’t stop watching him, even though he wasn’t doing anything more interesting than scrolling through his datapad._

_“Stop staring, Shepard. It’s creepy.”_

_“It’s romantic. You’re just very handsome, Major.”_

_He blushed, and rolled his eyes. “There must be something more interesting for you to be doing.”_

_Shepard slid herself on top of him, a leg between his and her hands on either side of his face. Kaidan slid the datapad onto the nightstand and looked up at her, a happy sigh leaving his lips. He cupped her face and smiled._

_“Do you know how much I love you, Shepard?”_

_Shepard bit down on her lip. “Why don’t you tell me, Kaidan?”_

_He opened his mouth to speak, and broke into a laugh, shaking his head. “Ah, I shouldn’t. I’d be here all day.”_

_“We have time,” she reassured him._

_He softened, knowing that they’d lost so much time, too much time, but they had each other now. Everything was how it was, and Shepard couldn’t imagine any other person having her heart._

_“We have all the time in the world, Shepard. I promise that.”_

“You’d undo everything I’ve accomplished. I won’t let that happen,” he said.

“You’re weak and you’re selfish. Because of you, humanity will suffer,” Shepard promised him. And she knew she was right. And for that moment, she felt like herself. She knew she was Shepard.

“No! No! I saved humanity.”

“No, you sacrificed us for your own selfish wants, your lust for control! You were supposed to protect us, and you failed.”

“No! I am the savior of our species! The pinnacle of humanity!” he shouted, bringing the gun down and bashing it against the side of Kaidan’s head. He let out a brief cry of pain and rolled onto his back, struggling to contain the screams Shepard knew he wanted to let out. And again - of her own volition - she pulled the trigger.

She watched the Illusive Man fall, and she strode forward toward the console. The arms opened. She couldn’t bring herself to look at either of the collapsed bodies on the ground. She knew Kaidan was still alive. Not only could she just feel it, he was still struggling to breathe and remain calm.

“There,” the Illusive Man said, “Earth. I wish you could see it like I do, Shepard. It’s so… perfect…”

He rested his head against the floor and shut his eyes. There were few deaths that Shepard regretting bringing, but his would not be one of them. She could never regret ending his madness. But she did at least find herself feeling thankful he died seeing the world the way he wanted to. Because she sure as hell knew she wouldn’t be granted the same peace.

The arms of the Citadel opened, and Shepard knew the Crucible was docking in place, and soon, this would be over. But her focus was hardly that. She heard Kaidan move behind her, struggling to sit against one of the barriers within the platform. He whimpered under his breath, a stifled cry of pain that she knew she’d caused.

She turned, and kneeled beside him, letting him lean against her shoulder. He reached for her hand, gripping it with so little strength, she choked on the tears she’d been holding back. It was just them. Just Kaidan and Shepard, and they were themselves for the moment.

“Kaidan, hey, hey, you’re going to be alright.”

How could she even apologize? How could she tell him why she’d done what she did? If he died, she’d already spend the rest of her life blaming herself for it, more than she already was. He looked up at her, swallowing his own tears. His eyes were red, taking away from the beautiful light brown that she’d looked into so many times.

“Shepard,” he said, “it’s okay.”

She pulled him into her arms, and looked down at his hands. He was beaten badly before the gunshot wound, but she knew this was the worst of it. His hands were stained red, thick and fully coated. She placed a hand on top of his, cradling his head with her other arm. He winced in pain and sucked in a pained gasp.

“Remember what you said, what you promised? We had all the time in the world.”

He nodded. “I know. I know I made that promise.”

“And you sure as hell better keep it, okay?”

He shook his head, and let several tears drip down his cheeks. He looked away, gazing out onto Earth below them. And if she didn’t know any better, he smiled, just a little bit.

“Do you think we can see Vancouver from here?” he asked, a pained laugh coming from his blood stained lips.  
Shepard wiped her tears and shook her head. “Time difference, you dork. Vancouver is over there.”

She nudged west with her head and laughed. Kaidan smiled again and shut his eyes just slightly. “Ridiculous. I can see my house from here. I… I thought I knew what we were fighting to save, all this time. But… this is it. All of it.”

She nodded, pulling him closer. His voice was quiet, and growing even lower with every moment that passed. “I know. It’s… beautiful. And we’re going to save it. You and me. And the rest of the galaxy of course.”

Shepard looked down at her bloodstained hands, and couldn’t process that someone could be that hurt, that someone she loved could be suffering so much in her own arms. She’d fought to do everything to keep him safe, to protect him from everything in the galaxy, but what really would destroy him was herself.

“Yeah,” he choked out.

“Does it hurt?” she asked.

He paused a moment, and shook his head. “Not anymore.”

But not even a second later, he winced in pain, his entire body trembling and begging for comfort and an end. She could feel it. As he bled out, she felt his heart slowing, and his breathing becoming more of a struggle. She didn’t know if the blood was hers or his, but judging by how quickly his life was fading, she could at least guess. She couldn’t save him. Her armor was so badly destroyed, as was his, that no medigel could have survived the impact. Shepard tucked him closer, resting her lips against the side of his head.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I’ve got you.”

“Shepard, I… always imagined my life being with you. It was always you. Whenever I pictured myself happy, it was with you. You and me, maybe a couple of kids, growing old together, being the cranky Alliance officers who complained when the new recruits complained about mercs. I wanted that for us. I tried so hard.”

She choked on a sob and nodded. “I know you did. And we can still have it. I promise you. I’m going to end this for both of us, and we’ll get out of here. We can have everything you want. We want.”

Her sobs became more frantic, as she spat out words, as quick as she could, trying to convince him to stay, if words were medicine.

“Because when I see myself happy, it’s with you. The two of us, maybe a kid or two. Doing dumb things, stupid, human things that we haven’t had the chance to do before. Like you teaching our children how to catch fireflies, or blowing out birthday candles with them. I would have been a horrible mother, but I just wanted whatever it took to have a future with you.”

She heard him choke on a sob as well and tilt his head into her shoulder. “I know. I know you did. But Shepard, look at me. I couldn’t keep my promise, but I want you to make me one.”

She turned her face to him, tears slipping down his cheeks, their foreheads touching so slightly. She felt him breathing, and knew in a few moments, it would probably stop. He was going to die, and she couldn’t stop it, and she needed to be ready.

“Promise me,” he started, “that you’re going to end this. You’ll do what’s right, and when it’s over, live. Finally, just… live.”

She shook her head. “Not without you. I don’t want it if you’re not there with me. I’d be lost without you.”

“I know. But please… we worked so hard to get here, so hard to save the damn galaxy, and I want you to see all you’ve done. I’m so, so proud of you. I need you to. Please, for me.”

She covered her mouth with her hand, trying to avoid looking at the amount of blood staining her fingers and her arms. She didn’t hold back this sob, and her entire body was racked with pain. She even doubted that the pain was really physical. No pain from a gun or a Reaper beam could hurt as much as knowing she’d have to live without him.

But eventually, she nodded. “Okay.”

She leaned down, tears streaming consistently from her eyes and kissed him. His mouth tasted like blood and metallic, but his lips were soft as any other time. He drew a hand to the side of her face, pulling her closer.

“I love you,” he whispered, “I always did.”

“And I always loved you, and I always will. We’re going to be together again. Someday.”

“Of course we are, baby. Of course. I just hope it’s not a moment sooner than it has to be. For your sake. I can wait.”

Shepard pulled him close and wrapped her arms around him completely, knowing it couldn’t be long now. Kaidan slid his arms around her as well, holding on with everything still in them. Embracing one another, she felt her armor dampening with his blood, still warm, only he kept growing colder.  
“And Shepard, for the record, I think you would have made an amazing mom. Just… keep going.”

Another choked sob escaped from her body and she nodded. “I love you, so much.”

“I… I love you too,” he struggled. She held him closer, listening for a few more moments as his breathing continued, and then became so quiet, she could hardly hear it over her own sobs. When her crying ceased, just for a moment, she looked down. He was still, so still that she didn’t think it was possible, even for someone like Kaidan who slept like the dead enough as is.

“Kaidan…” she said, her voice shaking.

She shook him, ever so lightly, but there was nothing.

“Kaidan! Dammit, don’t do this to me. Wake up!” she shouted, so hard and ragged that her throat ached and burned. “Please! I need you. I need you.”

She broke into hysterical tears, harder than she’d probably ever cried in her life. Losing her family and her unit on Mindoir and Akuze was a tragedy. She’d cried enough tears for all of them, but she’d never shed enough over him. Never enough.

“Kaidan, please, don’t do this. We didn’t deserve this.”

And again, there was no response. She bit down on her lip and shut her eyes, carefully resting him on the ground, a hand behind his head to keep him safe, even if it made no difference. She couldn’t look at him for too long, because seeing anything other than the man who was so full of life and optimism that everything would be okay felt too wrong, and too unfair.

She hovered over him for just a moment, pressing her lips to his forehead, cold and lifeless. She sniffled, wiping away her tears for a moment. His words rung in her head.

Just… keep going.

“Okay,” she whispered. “Okay, Kaidan.”

And she reached for the gun and stood up.


End file.
